Is This Just Who I Am, or Can I Change?
Many people arrive at their first counselling session with a quiet worry they don’t always say out loud: what if this is just who I am? What if I’ve always been anxious, quick to snap or unsure of myself, and nothing will shift it? It’s a fair question. The answer from personality research is hopeful, with one important condition.
Most of us want to change something
If you’d like to be calmer, more organised or more confident with new people, you’re in good company. When researchers ask, most people say there’s at least one part of their personality they’d like to be different. Wanting to change is normal. It isn’t a sign that something is wrong with you.
Steady, but not fixed
Psychologists see personality as fairly stable. You probably still recognise yourself from ten years ago. But stable isn’t the same as fixed. Personality shifts gradually across life: with age, with new roles such as becoming a parent or taking on more at work, and with deliberate effort. On average, people tend to become calmer and steadier as they get older.
Wanting isn’t enough. Doing is.
Here’s the condition. In studies where people set out to change a trait, simply wanting to change made little difference. In one study, people were given small weekly challenges, such as starting a conversation with someone new. Those who took on a challenge but didn’t actually do it showed no change. Those who completed their challenges did change, a little at a time.
In another study, people who had goals but were still waiting to start showed no change, while people working through a guided programme did, and the change was still there months later.
Change tends to follow what you do, again and again, not what you hope for.
The research is still developing, much of it involves younger adults, and not every study finds the same thing. But the pattern makes sense, and it’s one reason New Year’s resolutions often fade. Hoping to be different is a starting point, not the change itself.
What this can look like day to day
You’d like to feel less anxious at work, but the same meetings bring the same knot in your stomach.
You want to be more patient at home, but tiredness wins and you snap anyway.
You’d like more confidence with new people, so you avoid the very situations where you could practise.
You’ve started telling yourself “this is just how I’m wired”.
None of these mean you can’t change. More often, they mean you haven’t yet had the right support to try something different, and to keep trying.
How counselling helps
In counselling with me, we start by working out what you’d like to be different and what gets in the way. Between sessions, you try new ways of responding in everyday life, and then we talk through what happened: what worked, what was hard and what you noticed about yourself. That steady cycle of trying, reflecting and trying again is the doing that the research points to.
Counselling isn’t about becoming a different person. It’s about having more choice in how you respond. People often change more than they realise, so I also make time for us to look back together at what has shifted.
Talking it through
If something feels stuck, whether it’s an anxious habit, a pattern in your relationships or a sense that you’re not quite yourself, you don’t have to accept it as the whole story. I offer counselling face to face in Solihull and online. If you’d like to talk about what you’d like to change, you’re welcome to book a free 20-minute consultation.
